Withuot any hesitation i started the day off reading Emilie Autumn's Autobiography, i'll possibly be writing one of these myself at some point, but like i've said before, not as part of Amodos Game Studios, unless i'd just change the setting to Amodos... but nah. Still fun fact, my Autobiography's purpose would be similar to hers, hers is to entertain and educate, whereas mine is a bit too dark to entertain, but certainly good for education. Psychologist's study material basically, if the psychologist hasn't experienced mental &/Or physical torture himself he doesn't have enough context to help people, so he'll have to live through other peoples pain instead if he/she ever wants to be worth his salt as a psychologist.
Anyways if i know Emilies history correctly, this will be as painful if not more painful to read than it is going to be to finish up Yrja's Torment. I prepared myself.
Also a note here, i do not believe in insanity, I've seen too much of it to believe that the term is anything else than nonsense. There is a cure for every mental problem, a cure that does not rely on medicine. But nobody is going to find their cure if they don't look. This is coming from someone who had to deal with (among other things) severe split personality problems at some point, i have unified my personalities into one as a solution. I didn't like the idea at first, and sure it has ill side effects (the flaws of the one now ail the other) but if i could explain in words how it felt to become "complete"... Well. I'll have to try sometime.
There is always a way out, a way that doesn't rely on medicine, if advice isn't enough try psychologists, if psychologists aren't enough try hypnotists, if hypnotists aren't enough you could even try brainwashing... There's always going to be more than one way to solve every problem.
"Awareness is the enemy of sanity, for once you hear the screaming, it never stops." is one cool quote.
Emilie's worst mistake was falling into the (now easy) trap of relying on drugs to keep her "sanity". This could all have been avoided, but i suspect this was never up to her.
It'd be nice to consider making this book into a visual novel some day.
Now that i think of it... telling the truth to mental health institutions really is the WORST thing you can do, in my experiences too. But lying to them is just as bad, they'll treat you like scum of the earth either way.
Page 4 is where she touches lightly on the juicy bits i really wanted to read through the most. That is "what i don't know", but it's hard to talk about things like that in detail, i get it. I really do, but once you've really recovered from it, you can do it. It'll just be painful, like writing Yrja's Torment.
I'll have to write what i think about this book down somewhere else than here, this is enough for now. Page 4 alone is worth the price of the entire book. This book would be worth as much to me as it is now were it written entirely with gold. There are also so many things she writes i can relate to, and so many others i can learn from. The most valuable lesson of them all however is insight into how the female brain works (seriously, it's something i've never been anywhere near understanding).
I'm learning more and more... While having some of the most serious and psychological content i've ever laid eyes on in a book, it also has some of the most hilarious comedy too, i'm laughing my ass off here. (Again, something i can learn from, i've never read comedy so it's quite good to know how to do it right)
A most valuable lesson to learn here (as a writer) is how much "character" it can give to your story to write it in special patterns, for example the crazed nonsensical words coming out of the mouths of malkavians in VTMB, it gives a certain feel to them. It gives them a sense of comedy, a similar manner of writing here gives Emilies story a unique feel unlike anything i've ever read, making the funny parts funnier, and the details more explicit. This is something i WILL use. It's a bit like dialects i think.
I find myself constantly wondering which parts of the story are fiction and which are real, i get the feeling Emilie is trying to explain her past experiences in a sort of exaggerated way, by creating a similar story happening to somebody else. It's something i had actually thought of doing, and i find myself as i write stories for my own game i can see reflections of my own past in them as-well (usually completely unintentional)
I'm at a supposedly fictional part here (then again, how much of it is fiction...) and it touches on EXACTLY the subject that Yrja's Torment is supposed to deliver, that is... human trafficking. The protagonist being the human. And as i suspected, painful to read. It's even more brutal than anything i had in mind, but women seem to be able to go a lot further with things like this than men (for example, Analogue: A Hate Story was written by a woman.)
It reminds me of why i want to make games that allow people to do sick things... It's so that they will be less likely to do it to real people. I hear that shooting related crimes have dropped after the widespread first person shooter craze, but it's not enough... People need to have access to video games to vent out their sickest ideas and perform them on people that aren't real, to prevent them from ever trying it on someone who IS real. If there was just a single thing i could remove from this world, i could choose anything... War, Religion, Money, Death, Life, Crime, Electricity, Governments.... I'd go with rape, to tell the truth i can live with everything else that's happening, but rape... there's something about it. Rape is practically every man's fantasy, why is it so appealing to harm other people i wonder?
Remarkable how i see so many resemblences in Emily's story as Yrja's, they're identical in many ways.
I watched the Indie Game movie, and i was disappointed, i could've learned more asking (or just thinking real hard about) Piranha Games how they managed to survive this long as a company known for making simply bad games (their best game so far is MWO and it's considered a failure as a game, financially though it's a success.) The movie was just typical reality TV bullshit. But i guess thats what the world likes.
I got rather caught up in Emilies book at the point when the plan was to pick up the Wikia work. "Just One More Chapter"... Stopped at page 59. It's been ages since i last read a book so i read very slow it seems.
I stopped to think for a second what my ultimate goals are with what i'm doing, there will inevitably come a time where i will have to explain myself, possibly even to the law judging by how extreme some of the content i make will get.
I have 2 major goals at the moment i guess.
1. Bring adult games to the western market. (We're missing out over here... seriously...)
2. Make (some) games with extreme violence and sexual themes. Both for myself and others to vent off their violent and sexual needs without harming any other people, there is plenty of media like that out there already, but i feel it's not enough, and the only games that really take it to the levels of extreme i intend to are Studio S.
I'm planning to do some very extreme things. But also fun things (there are meant to be SFW and NSFW versions of most of the games i'll make, so i'm not limiting my playerbases to perverts alone.) There are going to be people who want me to justify my actions (for example the child abuse in Yrja's Torment), i'm pretty certain that i'll even receive death threats and possibly hackers vandalism for what i'll do (i bettered hire some internet security before "i" grow into a big "we"). But those are risks i'm willing to take, it's not like i've never been shunned by society before, and i'll gladly live through it all again if i must. But when & if the time comes people will be demanding explanations for the extreme materials included in my games, i must have some answers that will appeal to their sense of humanity.
If these projects will be a success, there are 2 things i might want to do, continue making games like this (but on a bigger scale) or leave that job to someone else (hire other qualified people to make the next Amodos games) and turn to other projects, a big dream of mine is improving the education system by implementing video games (i'm talking real deal video games, not 1+2=? games.) into the education system, for education to be effective it needs to be fun. What could possibly be more fun than video games?!
As for porting my stuff over to articy, i made little progress today but i'm working on it.
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